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" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
Fred Allen
Bag
Men
Mediocrity
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" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "
Fred Allen
Play
Own
My Own
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
Fred Allen
Group
Appointed
Committee
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
Fred Allen
Strange
Life
Shoulders
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go
" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "
Fred Allen
Exposed
Advertising
Conference
" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
Fred Allen
Will
Guy
Producer
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
Fred Allen
Man
Who
Woman
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
Fred Allen
Live
Funny
Place
" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
Fred Allen
People
Television
Triumph
" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "
Fred Allen
Why
Understand
Person
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "
Fred Allen
People
Like
Long
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
Fred Allen
Full
Front
Bottle
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
Fred Allen
Religion
People
Funny
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "
Fred Allen
Never
Year
Creation
" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
People
Decide
Done
" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
Fred Allen
Mistake
Stars
Place
" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
Fred Allen
Strikes
First
Paris
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
Fred Allen
Technology
Television
Well Done
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself