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" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

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" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "