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" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

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" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "