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" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

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" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

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" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "