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" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

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" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "