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" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

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" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "