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" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

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" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "