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" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

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" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" The cynics are right nine times out of ten. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "