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" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

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" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "