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" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

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" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "