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" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
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" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
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Back
Got
Day
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "
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People
Like
Long
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
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Strange
Life
Shoulders
" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "
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Will
Press
Star
" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "
Fred Allen
Exposed
Advertising
Conference
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
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Full
Front
Bottle
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "
Fred Allen
Great
Bad
Competition
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
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Live
Funny
Place
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
Fred Allen
Actor
Success
Small
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
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Man
Who
Woman
" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
Fred Allen
People
Television
Triumph
" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "
Fred Allen
Glasses
Person
Famous
" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
Fred Allen
Bag
Men
Mediocrity
" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
People
Decide
Done
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
Fred Allen
Agency
Business
Confusion
" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "
Fred Allen
Membership
Race
Back
" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
Fred Allen
Puns
Good
Hanging
" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
Fred Allen
Like
Treat
Partners
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "
Fred Allen
Because
Family
Know
" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
Fred Allen
Religion
People
Funny
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "
Fred Allen
Wild
Church
Failure
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose