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" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

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" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "