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" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

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" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "