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" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

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" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "