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" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
Fred Allen
Will
Guy
Producer
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" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "
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Wild
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" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
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Back
Got
Day
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
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Committee
Done
Group
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
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Stars
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God
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
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Full
Front
Bottle
" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
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Bag
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" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
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People
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" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
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Group
Appointed
Committee
" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "
Fred Allen
Why
Understand
Person
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
Fred Allen
Actor
Success
Small
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
Fred Allen
Strange
Life
Shoulders
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "
Fred Allen
Uncle
Southern
He
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
Fred Allen
Live
Funny
Place
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "
Fred Allen
Never
Year
Creation
" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
Fred Allen
Your
Mind
Allow
" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
People
Decide
Done
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "
Fred Allen
Will
Someone
Talent
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
Fred Allen
Technology
Television
Well Done
" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "
Fred Allen
Place
Orange
Live
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
Fred Allen
Agency
Business
Confusion