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" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

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" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "