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" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
Fred Allen
Strange
Life
Shoulders
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" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "
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" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "
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" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
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" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
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" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
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" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
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" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
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" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
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" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
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" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "
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" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
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" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "
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Nothing
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" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "
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" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
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" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
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" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "
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" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
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" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "
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" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
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Group
Appointed
Committee
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
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" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
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Remember
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" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
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" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
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" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "
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" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
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Like
Treat
Partners
" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "
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Uncle
Southern
He
" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
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Mistake
Stars
Place
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
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Agency
Business
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" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
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Actor
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