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" Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. "

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" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. "

" When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I'm not really into serious programmes or documentaries. "

" One man's folly is another man's wife. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. "

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' "

" Growing up, I remember the 'Cheers' finale and 'M*A*S*H' and all these amazing finales, and I remember them being very, very important. "

" Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. "

" It's funny to be in rooms where you were originally referred to as 'The Shakespeare Guy' and to suddenly be in the position where you're 'The Blockbuster Guy.' That's a pretty unusual turnabout, I must say. "

Kenneth Branagh

" I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I'm not funny. I'm not good. I'm - I don't feel original. "

" Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. "

" Never fight an inanimate object. "

" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. "

J. Michael Straczynski

" Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. "

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. "

" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "

" If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. "

" I was born in Newton, MA. Graduated from Brown University in 2001 with honors in English as a playwright. I attended the National Theater Institute at the Eugene O'Neill Center in Waterford, CT just after Brown. I moved to NYC in 2002 and was a professional... waiter, for 3 years. "

" You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level. "

" Memories are doing funny things to us. "

" I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. "