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" Most people think I'm immodest. "

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" I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "

" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" I'm cranky. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I think Michael Moore is a hero. "

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "