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" I am not honest. "

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" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" I believe in something. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "