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" I don't have many friends. "

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" I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure. "

" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. "

" You write about what you know. "