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" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

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" Above all else, deep in my soul, I'm a tough Irishwoman. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. "

John Millington Synge

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" Luck is believing you're lucky. "

Tennessee Williams

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "