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" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

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" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "