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" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

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" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "