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" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

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" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "