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" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

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" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

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" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

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" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

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" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

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" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "