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" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

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" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "