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" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

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" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "