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" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

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" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "