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" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

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" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "