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" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

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" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

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" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "