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" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

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" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "