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" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

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" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "