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" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

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" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "