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" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
Steven Wright
Tell
Head
People
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" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
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" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "
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" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "
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" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
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" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "
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" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
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" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
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" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
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" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
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