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" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

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" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

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" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

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" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "