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" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

Steven Wright

Bible

Twice

Two

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" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

Steven Wright

Decided

Enough

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

Steven Wright

Vacation

Baby

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

Steven Wright

Mirror

Lawyer

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

Steven Wright

Because

You

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

Steven Wright

Been

Selling

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

Steven Wright

Writing

Autobiography

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

Steven Wright

Just

Life

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "