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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
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" How young can you die of old age? "
Steven Wright
Young
Old
Die
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
Steven Wright
Childhood
Everything
Wrong
" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "
Steven Wright
Kept
Mind
Daydream
" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "
Steven Wright
Me
Mirror
Lawyer
" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "
Steven Wright
Crazy
Me
Matter
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Tired
Day
Birthday
" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
Steven Wright
Thesaurus
Funny
Another
" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "
Steven Wright
Illusion
Imagination
Think
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "
Steven Wright
Other
Different
Fingers
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
Steven Wright
Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Off
Talk
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
Steven Wright
Window
Way
Play
" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "
Steven Wright
Karaoke
Arrested
" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Radio
Would
" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "
Steven Wright
Joke
Interesting
Help
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "
Steven Wright
Laughs
Forest
Joke
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Who
Those
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
Steven Wright
Got
Weather
Tired
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
Steven Wright
Worth
Penny
Someone
" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
Steven Wright
Doing
Race
Think
" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
Steven Wright
Simple
Chain
Dollar
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
Steven Wright
Book
Writing
Numbers
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
Steven Wright
Bridge
You
Talk
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "
Steven Wright
Live
Far
Forever
" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "
Steven Wright
Seen
World
You
" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Boat
Book