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" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "