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" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

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" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

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" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

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" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "