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" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
Make A Difference
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "
" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "
" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "