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" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "
Steven Wright
Hospital
Accident
Just
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" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
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Time
Breakfast
Renaissance
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
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Dead
End
Got
" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "
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You
Need
Experience
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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Look
Circus
Guy
" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "
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Know
Got
Now
" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
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Only
Lights
Like
" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "
Steven Wright
Mind
You
Love
" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
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Thesaurus
Funny
Another
" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
Steven Wright
Watch
Thought
Night
" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "
Steven Wright
Stuff
Box
Black
" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "
Steven Wright
Should
Use
You
" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
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Coffee
Almost
Time
" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
Steven Wright
Fast
Way
Worry
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
Steven Wright
Everyday
Talking
Jokes
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
Steven Wright
School
Know
Home
" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
Steven Wright
Shy
Myself
Me
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
Steven Wright
Instant
Know
Time
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
Steven Wright
Suspect
Curiosity
While
" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
Steven Wright
Doing
Race
Think
" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
Steven Wright
Me
Other
Day
" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
Steven Wright
Peer
Hermits
Pressure
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
Steven Wright
Anything
General
Me
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
Steven Wright
Me
Just
Here
" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
Steven Wright
Born
Television
End
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
Steven Wright
Little
Only
Sand
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
Steven Wright
Children
Books
Purpose
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
Steven Wright
Bridge
You
Talk
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
Steven Wright
Life
You
Road