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" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

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" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "