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" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

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" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

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" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "