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" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "

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" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny. "

" I'm thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. "

Seann William Scott

" I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. "

" There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. "

Vladimir Nabokov

" 'I Love You, Man' was kind of funny. "

" I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. "

" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

" Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. "

" Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" I can resist everything except temptation. "

" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" We actually found some home videos, some really funny footage of me when I was around 3 years old. I come up to the camera to do a Nixon impression. I don't know who taught me that, but I come up to the camera and said, 'I am not a crook.' I got a really good laugh. You see me register that bringing joy to people is a positive thing. "

Annaleigh Ashford

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

Garrison Keillor

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. "

George Bernard Shaw

" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. "

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "