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" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

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" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "