Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

Related Quotes:

" The status quo sucks. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" Think off-center. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "