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" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

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" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" Think off-center. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "