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" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
George Carlin
Want
Group
Guy
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" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "
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" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "
George Carlin
Work
Some People
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" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
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True
Alone
Little
" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "
George Carlin
Atheism
Organization
" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "
George Carlin
Dark
Weather
Forecast
" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
George Carlin
Beat
You
Beaten
" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "
George Carlin
Reason
Accept
Answers
" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "
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Work
Think
People
" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "
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Work
Light
Late
" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "
George Carlin
You
Does
Get
" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "
George Carlin
Mean
Left
Monkey
" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "
George Carlin
Floor
Two
Tequila
" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "
George Carlin
You
Got
Always
" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "
George Carlin
Ticket
Born
Freak
" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "
George Carlin
Purpose
She
Section
" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "
George Carlin
Belief
You
Soul
" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "
George Carlin
Than
Maniac
Going
" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "
George Carlin
You
Eating
Chocolate
" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "
George Carlin
Who
Care
Desperate
" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
George Carlin
Older
More
Me
" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "
George Carlin
Think
People
Memories
" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "
George Carlin
Nights
Wolves
Only
" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
George Carlin
Just
Authority
Believe
" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "
George Carlin
Death
Over
Period
" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "
George Carlin
Professional
Better
Building
" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "
George Carlin
Organized
Electricity
Funny
" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "
George Carlin
Disappointed
Inside
Idealist
" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "
George Carlin
First
Person
Left
" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "
George Carlin
Charge
Out
Just
" The status quo sucks. "
George Carlin
Quo
Status Quo
Sucks