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" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "
George Carlin
Charge
Out
Just
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" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "
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" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
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True
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" The status quo sucks. "
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Quo
Status Quo
Sucks
" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
George Carlin
Older
More
Me
" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "
George Carlin
Reason
Accept
Answers
" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
George Carlin
Beat
You
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" Religion is just mind control. "
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" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "
George Carlin
Dark
Weather
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" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "
George Carlin
Work
Some People
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" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "
George Carlin
Only
Future
Recent
" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
George Carlin
Want
Group
Guy
" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "
George Carlin
Death
Over
Period
" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "
George Carlin
Who
Care
Desperate
" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "
George Carlin
Truth
Communication
Language
" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "
George Carlin
You
Does
Get
" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "
George Carlin
Organized
Electricity
Funny
" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "
George Carlin
Work
Light
Late
" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
George Carlin
Just
Authority
Believe
" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "
George Carlin
Know
Texas
Good
" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "
George Carlin
Money
Work
Quit
" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "
George Carlin
Work
Think
People
" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "
George Carlin
Nights
Wolves
Only
" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "
George Carlin
Purpose
She
Section
" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "
George Carlin
Person
Dinner
Always
" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "
George Carlin
Break
Will
Hell
" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "
George Carlin
Floor
Two
Tequila
" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "
George Carlin
Disappointed
Inside
Idealist
" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "
George Carlin
Like
Never
Sure
" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "
George Carlin
Than
Maniac
Going
" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "
George Carlin
You
Good Example
Good