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" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "
George Carlin
You
Got
Always
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" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "
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" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "
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" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
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" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "
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" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "
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" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "
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" The status quo sucks. "
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" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
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" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "
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" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "
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